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My Work
Article 2
Home for the summer? Hmmm
Oregonian, The (Portland, OR)
July 8, 2006
Author: CORNELIA BECKER SEIGNEUR; special to The Oregonian
Estimated printed pages: 4
SUMMARY: Returning collegians and their parents tend to collide over house rules
As summer settles in, parents and their college-age children are adjusting to living together again.
Students, accustomed to late nights and limited curfews, balk at being nagged to do chores, turn down their music and save money. And they like their tattoos, piercings and long hair, thank you very much.
Parents, on the other hand, expect their newly independent offspring to come home, immediately buckle down to a summer job and live by the rules they followed as high-schoolers.
It's a recipe for tension. But the key to summer peace in the home, experts say, is flexibility. Allene Gould, a Portland family counselor, said parents and their college-age children should discuss expectations together.
"Involve them in proactive conversations about rules," Gould advises parents. "I like the word 'collaborate.' "
One issue that often causes friction: summer jobs.
Before Ashley Stein arrived home after her freshman year at College of Santa Fe in New Mexico, her mom, Jan Lais, emphasized that she needed to work.
"I told her in advance, 'You will get a job, and you'll keep it the whole summer,' " Lais told her daughter, a 2005 LaSalle High graduate.
Luckily, Stein immediately found a full-time job at Bath & Body Works.
But sometimes job choice is an issue. This was the case for Rachel Heilman of Silverton, who will be a junior at Oregon State University. She's happy to be working at her father's construction company, but her mother wasn't so enthusiastic.
"My mom was like, 'You need to get another job to explore other things,' " Heilman said.
Pam Heilman also worried about her daughter earning enough money for school but relented, saying, "You have to give them freedom about where they want to work."
Robert Duff, a sociology professor at the University of Portland and father of two grown children, said, "Parents need to expect their kids are going to change. At the same time, you don't have to accept everything."
Like tattoos, piercings and long hair.
"My parents would disown me if I got a tattoo," said Scott Culbertson, a 2005 Lake Oswego High graduate who'll be a sophomore at the University of Arizona. "But I don't want one anyway; tattoos you can never remove,"
His mom, Jane Culbertson, thinks high expectations help kids make wise choices.
"My husband told Scott if he came home with body piercings or tattoos we won't pay for another dime of college," Culbertson said. "It gives our kids an out when they're in a crowd doing stuff like that."
OSU sophomore Charlie Wente, on the other hand, had his nose pierced in a fit of boredom.
When Wente, a Wilson High graduate, told his mom, he remembers her words: " 'One, don't tell your dad. And two, take it out.' I thought about not taking it out, but then figured it would save me a lot of conflict."
And then, there's hair.
When Ryan McCune, a 2005 graduate of Lake Oswego High, arrived at Notre Dame, he rebelled against years of haircuts.
"My mom's always made sure my hair's short, so when I went away to college, I didn't cut it for eight months," he said. "My bangs were at my mouth. At winter break my mom said, 'You need to cut your hair,' and said if I ever came home with that long of hair again, I'd be in trouble."
McCune cut his hair before returning home in May.
His mom, Susan Gagnon, saw that as a milestone.
"He made a conscious effort to cut his hair before coming home because he knew we wouldn't like it. That is what I mean about maturity," Gagnon said.
Signs of maturity, however, go beyond a student's appearance. For example, how does he manage his time, money and freedom while away at school?
Reflecting on his first few months in Corvallis, Wente said, "When I went down there, the freedom was overwhelming. No one was there to tell you to do your homework or go to bed. I'd stay up late hanging out, but wake up tired on Monday with a paper to write and 50 pages to read."
He noticed friends drinking excessively and skipping classes.
"Then you realize that, yeah, you don't have to go to school, but you are paying for it," Wente said.
Still, curfews and finances remain discussion points in summer.
"It's frustrating sometimes when I have to be home at 1 when everyone else can be out later," McCune said.
His mom, however, said she's flexible. "On certain occasions, he likes to play poker at someone's house; then the curfew's 2," Gagnon said.
Ashley Poppert, a Tigard High graduate who attends Colorado State University, is holding down two summer jobs. Yet she often feels as if her parents hold her to high school rules, "like if I spend money they'll say something like I should be saving."
In "Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years," authors Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger discuss how the parent-child relationship changes in college.
"More than anything else, students want to be seen as the emerging adults they are becoming, not the children they used to be," Coburn said.
Duff, of the University of Portland, sees it as a two-way street. "You need to be respectful both ways," he said, adding that the majority of students appreciate their folks.
At graduation ceremonies, when an opportunity is presented to acknowledge parents, "the graduates give very loud applause," Duff said.
"It is a tremendous sacrifice for parents. To be able to go away to college is such a wonderful thing."
Just like coming home can be.
Cornelia Becker Seigneur
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